I’m not religious. I wouldn’t really say that I’m ‘spiritual’ per-say either. But if there’s one thing that I can say with full confidence (and with the complete inability to describe it any other way) it’s that I’m truly blessed.
What have I done to deserve such amazing people in my life? Of course I’m talking about all of you. My fellow Lawsbians.
I know I said that I wasn’t going to be on for a while. I talked with Keaven a couple of nights ago, touching on what I was feeling. I’m assuming she relayed to all of you that I’m not doing really well right now. And your response? Bombarding me with funny, cute, uplifting and inspiring messages/emails/tweets/comments.
I’m not going to lie and say that I wasn’t pretty far gone when I was talking with her. I was; Feeling lower than usual (not that I usually feel low, but lower than my usual low…when I feel low. Haha).
Many of you know (too well, sadly) that struggling with depression is a bitch and a half. It can feel like the most tiring and tasking thing in the world. And sometimes things feel like too much. But I’ve realized that nothing’s ever too much when you have people who care about you. Nothing is too much for me while I have ya’ll’s love (can you even use two apostrophes in one word?)
After losing a friend 2 years ago, and a scare that I had in my family this morning, I realize now more than I ever knew before that one has to be incredibly selfish to take their own life. To think about it, and to attempt it are two different things. I’m not doubting or downplaying anyone’s suffering. Not in the VERY least. Everyone suffers, some more than others, but nothing is worth a life. No matter how worthless that life feels. No matter how much it hurts sometimes. No matter how hard things get. To put everyone who loves you through something like that…It’s the most awful thing I can think of that anyone could possibly do to me (so I just assume the same for others), and I’m not cruel enough to do that to anyone else —to make them think they weren’t enough of a reason to stick around and try harder. No matter what.
“I’m lucky that I’ve learned that depression lies to you, and that you should never listen to it, in spite of how persuasive it is at the time.”
“…remember that depression is a lying bastard and that this will pass. And life will be brighter again. I promise.”
(Jenny promised…So I’m trusting her! Her words hold my hope in their hands. If words had hands.)
All of you. A group of people whom I’ve never met in person, but know me better than anyone I ever have –I couldn’t possibly ask for more in a group of friends. Whether I ever meet you all or not, you’ll always hold a special place in my heart. I am truly, utterly, and completely blessed to have you in my life.
Thank you for absolutely everything. You have no idea how much it means to me, and how much I truly appreciate it all. I really am the luckiest person in the world. Regardless of any negative that has happened/is happening.
Things are still rough. Maybe worse right now, even (only circumstantially speaking though). I’m not saying that it’s all going to magically get better, but it’s sure as hell time to take my own advice (and Jenny’s). Never give up.
P.s. Damn, I should say that I’m not blogging for a while more often. The traffic on this is so much better ;P
P.p.s. Here’s something to make everyone happy: I call it “Inquisitive Baby Sloth in a Glass Goblet” <3