Written on Tuesday.

I’ve decided to just post this instead of deleting the draft. Things aren’t this bad anymore. Hopefully it’ll stay this way. Head above water.

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It’s happening again. I don’t understand how it could possibly be — and, so soon. Why is this happening so frequently? Even though this feeling is so old, this experience is so new. I feel like I’m not even able to stand up again before I’m shoved back into the dirt.

Here we go again. ‘Round and ’round. Much like a carousel. Have I been that bad of a person to constantly be going through this vicious cycle?? More than anything, I just want it all to stop. I just need everything to stop.

I’m kind of getting sick of this, if you can understand. Every time I think I’m going to make it, the monster grabs hold of my leg and drags me back down (like in that scene from Paranormal Activity. Haha.). I’m grasping at the frayed threads of a short rope right now. Something’s gotta give. And soon. Because my arms are starting to get weak from holding on for so long, and so is my heart. And my brain too, frankly.

Happy one week!

Please don’t judge me…I’m kind of embarrassed about how much this gets me. But I can’t help it!

Preface : When MEW and I were house-searching, one of my top things was that I wanted t a pet-friendly place. It wasn’t high on her priority list (because she just wanted to get a place off campus), so “doormat” me gave up on the one thing I was really looking forward to (aside from living off campus, itself). But, last Monday, MEW and I decided that we were going to do our darndest to get a cat. It all started with this asshole goat.

Naturally (this seriously happens all the time), I wanted one (a goat) after that, so I half-jokingly suggested it. It’s been a whole week now since little Zoey moved into our home (I wanted to spell it “Zooey” and MEW wanted to spell it “Zoe” So we decided it’d be best to just spell it “Zoey”…which is kind of confusing because her name was originally supposed to be “Joey” but then we met her and she totally wasn’t a “Joey”. The likeness of the names was unintentional, I swear).

NOW:

She’s been a total handful since she arrived. MEW was on vacation with her friends from home for the most of the time Zoey’s been here (she just got back Monday night), so I felt like a working mom with a crazy toddler that has ADHD. She, in other ways, is like an infant. Constantly crying, not going to bed until late, and waking me up in the middle of the nights. I adore her though. Like, a lot. Like, “679 pictures and 34 videos in less than a week” a lot (Today, I’m scared to even look to see how many there actually are…).

ANYWAYS, She’s a precious little angel, and I love her so much. I’m really hoping that things work out in my favor at the end of this year if we don’t wind up living together (Obviously this was a hasty decision).

I honestly couldn’t decide on a picture, so I just chose one randomly (which just happens to be one of my favorites because it’s hilarious):

(Side note – I deleted all most of the bitching that was in this post. I don’t want it to turn into that because it’s about celebrating Zoey’s first wonderfully amazing week here <3)

I’m sorry. I really, really am.

This is all I’ve been thinking about for the last two weeks, and I really need to get it off my chest before I go completely insane.

It’s 5 am. I haven’t slept yet. I’m sitting in my room -in the dark- hiding under my blanket.

This is definitely the worst bout of depression I’ve gone through since I went crazy my senior year of high school (long story).  It’s not a constant state of depression. And I’ve definitely had longer spells, but this is just kicking my ass for some reason. I’ve just hit such a low, and I’ve already talked about how hard it’s getting to climb out of this hole. It’s been really on and off the last couple of weeks (mostly on…or off. Depending on how you see depression). The week I went “off grid” was just the beginning of the worst. I’d been slipping prior to that, but it was easy enough to keep my head above water. But then I fell in. And the “incident” the week before last didn’t help at all.

I’m still angry. It’s not fair. Why does he get to decide to be so selfish? Why am I not allowed to care only for myself, and disregard absolutely everyone else’s feelings? If I had that option, I definitely would be long gone. I stand by what I said in the fall (when I had that drunken fit): If I could do just one ultimately selfish thing, I wouldn’t be here anymore. But I’m not selfish. I care about everyone in my life… I’m not even living for myself anymore. I’m living for everyone else. Do you know how shitty that feels? I really don’t see the value that others see in me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know that I ever will. I don’t really know that I care to. I’m not going to do anything. So there’s no need to worry. I’m just so frustrated. 

I wanted to participate in the “Hope Relay” but honestly that feels like such a reach right now. How can I write about “hope” when it is such a stranger to my life. I haven’t seen it in so long. It’s all been the same old story –week after week, month after month, and year after year for the last 7 years. A third of my life thus far. How am I supposed to believe in anything when I feel no reason to. I’m honestly numb. Reading everyone’s is incredibly inspiring, but I feel so out of touch that nothing could possibly get to me right now.

I’m just so tired of all of this. I’m tired of feeling this way; I’m tired of nothing ever really getting better, and crazy enough, getting worse all the time (which I never think is even possible until it actually happens). I’m tired of being fake just to keep everyone around me happy and worry-free. And I’m literally just [physically] tired because it’s 5-freakin’-a.m.

It’s strange how alone you can still feel, while completely surrounded by people who actually do understand. And it’s funny because if you asked me what was wrong, I’m not sure that I could even give you an answer. And that makes everything so much worse.

I want to say that I’m so sorry for all of this. I know you’ll tell me that there’s no reason to apologize, or that it’s “okay”. It’s not. It’s not okay.

You all have been nothing but indescribably amazing. More than anyone I’ve ever known. And you all really are the reason I’m still  trying. Because if it weren’t for you, I may have given up already. It really is the craziest thing. This community of people. I’m just sorry that this is happening right now. I’m sorry that I can’t be stronger, but I’m trying.

I suck at getting away.

(Go to the bottom to avoid the depressing stuff ;) Just looking out for you guys!)

Hey ya’ll.

It’s been  little over a week since I decided to go “off-grid” (which I didn’t really even do, because all I did was deactivate Facebook. I still had access to everything else. BUT, I stayed off unless otherwise notified…by my phone…ugh, okay, I suck). I miss you guys a lot though! Your wit and humor keeps me going, and I think that it’s what I actually need in my life right now.

Generally, I’ve been gaining my strength back slowly. Very slowly. Sometimes when I finally feel myself pulling through, I somehow get sucked back. Two steps forward, one back. I keep telling myself, “At least it’s progress.”

Since last week, my anxiety has been worse than ever. Panic attacks at least every other day. Anxious over seemingly nothing the whole time I’m awake; a general feeling of fear. Trouble actually falling asleep because of it. Trouble staying asleep. Having terrible dreams when I actually do fall asleep.

My dad was the one I was talking about in my last post. The scare last week. It’s weird, because out of my whole family, he’s the one I would least suspect to attempt to kill himself. Huh. Weird. I’m glad he’s alive. But I’m still kind of in a bitter state about it. He has no idea how much he’s hurt us all. But I’m obviously not letting on to that. I’m being supportive. I tell him that I love him every day. I feel awkward talking to him though. What am I supposed to say? He was still manic for a couple of days (during detox) and was saying really hurtful things. I was trying to not take it personally because I knew it was just him coming off of the meds he took.

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Snippet of my therapy session yesterday (not verbatim, but pretty close haha)

“I’m a doormat.”

“But doormats are welcoming. You feel you let people walk all over you?”

“Yes. I can’t say no to people. I think that I think to much about how people are going to react if I oppose anything they say or do…so I just let them say and do as they please. I feel like it makes people happy. I don’t really consider trying to make people happy a flaw.

“But at your own happiness’ expense?”

“Even then.”
….And that’s my life. Haha

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Update!!

A good day for mail :)

I love all of you. Thank you for making my days so much brighter. For giving me a reason to want to get out of bed in the mornings. For a reason to see the light in the darkness, and keep going. Your letters/cards, emails, DMs, @mentions. Your words of encouragement, support, love —everything…You all are an extraordinary group of people. I’m happy to be able to call you my friends. You have absolutely no clue how much of a part you all had in me feeling better. I honestly don’t think I could have done it without you.

Thank you for everything.

Truly

I’m not religious. I wouldn’t really say that I’m ‘spiritual’ per-say either. But if there’s one thing that I can say with full confidence (and with the complete inability to describe it any other way) it’s that I’m truly blessed.

What have I done to deserve such amazing people in my life? Of course I’m talking about all of you. My fellow Lawsbians.

I know I said that I wasn’t going to be on for a while. I talked with Keaven a couple of nights ago, touching on what I was feeling.  I’m assuming she relayed to all of you that I’m not doing really well right now. And your response? Bombarding me with funny, cute, uplifting and inspiring messages/emails/tweets/comments.

I’m not going to lie and say that I wasn’t pretty far gone when I was talking with her. I was; Feeling lower than usual (not that I usually feel low, but lower than my usual low…when I feel low. Haha).

Many of you know (too well, sadly) that struggling with depression is a bitch and a half. It can feel like the most tiring and tasking thing in the world. And sometimes things feel like too much. But I’ve realized that nothing’s ever too much when you have people who care about you. Nothing is too much for me while I have ya’ll’s love (can you even use two apostrophes in one word?)

After losing a friend 2 years ago, and a scare that I had in my family this morning, I realize now more than I ever knew before that one has to be incredibly selfish to take their own life. To think about it, and to attempt it are two different things. I’m not doubting or downplaying anyone’s suffering. Not in the VERY least. Everyone suffers, some more than others, but nothing is worth a life. No matter how worthless that life feels. No matter how much it hurts sometimes. No matter how hard things get. To put everyone who loves you through something like that…It’s the most awful thing I can think of that anyone could possibly do to me (so I just assume the same for others), and I’m not cruel enough to do that to anyone else —to make them think they weren’t enough of a reason to stick around and try harder. No matter what.

“I’m lucky that I’ve learned that depression lies to you, and that you should never listen to it, in spite of how persuasive it is at the time.”

“…remember that depression is a lying bastard and that this will pass.  And life will be brighter again.  I promise.”

(Jenny promised…So I’m trusting her! Her words hold my hope in their hands. If words had hands.)

All of you. A group of people whom I’ve never met in person, but know me better than anyone I ever have –I couldn’t possibly ask for more in a group of friends. Whether I ever meet you all or not, you’ll always hold a special place in my heart. I am truly, utterly, and completely blessed to have you in my life.

Thank you for absolutely everything. You have no idea how much it means to me, and how much I truly appreciate it all. I really am the luckiest person in the world. Regardless of any negative that has happened/is happening.

Things are still rough. Maybe worse right now, even (only circumstantially speaking though). I’m not saying that it’s all going to magically get better, but it’s sure as hell time to take my own advice (and Jenny’s). Never give up.

P.s.  Damn, I should say that I’m not blogging for a while more often. The traffic on this is so much better ;P

P.p.s. Here’s something to make everyone happy: I call it “Inquisitive Baby Sloth in a Glass Goblet” <3

Unplugging

Break.

The word could be used in many different contexts. I’m about to break. I need a break.

There’s been a lot on my mind lately. I think I need to take some time for myself; a break from all of this. Maybe unplug. Perhaps just for a week. We’ll see.

Traffic on this blog seems to be slowing down significantly anyways.

Thanks for sticking with me and reading, ya’ll. I love you guys (in the least creepy way possible) <3

Dead parrots and stuff.

Okay, so one of my best friends from home just tweeted that his parrot passed away (Haha. Twitter. Bird…sorry. Insensitive).

(his parts are italicized):

Omg M-, I’m so sorry :( <3

It’s literally so weird. He was older than me! My parents had him before they got married. I think it’s a sign.

A sign about your parents?

Lol yes! He was probably a youthful fun kind of bird and then as years went on, the negative energy consumed him and he became grumpy. I don’t know lol he looked so peaceful <3

Lmao omg. Your logic is causing me to have a totally inappropriate reaction to his death. He was super old though. I’m glad he looked peaceful. I’m sure it was <3 how’s your mum?

She’s okay! It’s like odd though? Like it’s weird for us? I mean she’s had the bird for 30 years, that’s more than half her life!

I could only imagine! Was he really 30?! Holy shit. I think a bird (namely parrots) would be on the lower end of my list of pets to get with somebody. They clearly live too damn long. I’m not made for that sort of commitment. Rabbits are probably the most practical considering I intend my very longest relationship to last MAYBE five years (max). Carnival fish are probably a better way to go.

Hahahahahaha!!!! You could get like…a worm or something.

I don’t know how long they live though…

Me either, I’m not sure why I even said it?

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and then I consoled him a little. And his birthday is tomorrow so I asked if he’s coming down next weekend. I’m buying him booze. Because I’m a really damn good friend.

RIP Stosh, you old featherless bastard <3